YOUTH -- DATING AND COURTSHIP
Editorial
January/February, 1983
Volume 18, Number 1
The three most important decisions that people make in
life, are usually made during the late teens or during the twenties. These
are: 1) Choosing or rejecting the Lord Jesus as personal Saviour and the
molding of religious beliefs. 2) The choice of a life work, a daily vocation.
3) The choice of a lifetime marriage companion. The church generally provides
teaching concerning religious beliefs. Vocational schools offer help related
to one's life work. But our homes often offer very little specific guidance
concerning the choice of a marriage companion. As a result, many young
couples marry, and at the reception they cut the wedding cake - but sometimes
they have not given as much thought to what kinds of ingredients are required
to establish a lasting marriage relationship, as the baker has given to
the ingredients used in producing the cake.
Marriage is not a custom that gradually came to be accepted
during early human history. The family, as an institution, was originated
by God at the time of the beginning of the human race. Genesis 2:24 says,
"Therefore shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall cleave unto
his wife, and they shall be one flesh." The highest, purest, and happiest
form of human relationship has always been that which God instituted the
union of one man and one woman in a marriage commitment for life. When
a couple takes vows to live with each other, and to love and cherish each
other "until death do us part," they are affirming the truth of Genesis
2:24.
Notice some conclusions drawn from Genesis 2:24:
1) No homosexual marriages -The
instruction is given in the context of a man and a woman (Adam and Eve,
not Adam and Steve).
2) A lifetime commitment - The word "cleave" speaks
of "a binding glue." Marriage is not for a day, or a week, or several years,
or until one partner tires of the other and tells him to "hit the road."
Marriage is for a lifetime.
3) Establishes a separate unit - The word "leave"
means "to abandon the former relationship." It does not mean "to dishonor"
one's parents, but the newly married couple becomes a separate entity.
In the New Testament, the union of husband and wife is
compared to that of the believer and Christ (Ephesians 5:25-30), and in
1 Corinthians 7, we are told that one way to help avoid sexual impurity
is for each person to have a spouse, and to have wholesome sexual relationships
within the commitment of marriage.
Family life in America is not like it was several decades
ago, when the standard was a working father, a stay-at-home mother, and
a number of children each of whom was taught respect for parental authority.
The "family" has been influenced by cultural forces (urbanization, secularism,
humanism) which have brought about tremendous changes in our society during
the current century. There are apartment marriages, bigamous liasons, and
various types of loose communal arrangements. Divorce and remarriage is
more and more being considered an acceptable way of life. During the time
of dating (the period of finding a companion), the couple must resolve
to make the marriage work. One of the reasons for the skyrocketing rate
in divorce, is the loss of determination to stay married.
It is difficult for the average young person in our country
to realize that in some parts of the world, the family of the bride or
of the groom arranges the wedding. In India, for example, the bridal couple
(in a Muslim wedding) do not see each other until the day of the wedding.
Among certain African tribes, the prospective husband must work for several
years in order to get a bride (just like Jacob did many years ago in Mesopotamia).
Yet it is God's will that most young persons consider marriage, and certainly
it is unwise to marry without first getting to know each other. Therefore
we encourage dating and courtship among young people -- however there are
some instructions that should be given to those of dating age. Read on.
Youth -- Dating and Courtship
By Harold S. Martin
Next to your decision to receive Jesus Christ as your Saviour, and next
to your resolution to crown Him the Lord of your life, comes the vital
question of whom you shall marry. A wrong choice here can tragically wreck
your entire life. On the other hand, the right choice here can promise
that your future years will be a bit of heaven on earth.
There is perhaps nothing more normal and more natural than for young
people of the opposite sex to be attracted to each other. Boys and girls
have a God-given built-in attraction for each other. Girls, for example,
should never be ashamed of their desire for a husband and a home and children.
Marriage is a natural and God-blessed experience, and therefore we want
to think through a program of courtship that will help bring about a happy
marriage.
1. THE CHARACTER OF COURTSHIP
When we talk about "courtship," we refer to that period during which
a young man or a young woman finds a companion for life. Courtship
affords two young people an opportunity to study at close range the attitudes
and conduct and true worth of their friends. It would certainly be foolish
for people to marry, without ever having paid any attention to each other,
or without being mutually attracted and happy together. Marriage is God-ordained;
it is sacred; it is a lifetime proposition, and the Bible encourages young
people to consider marriage. We read in Proverbs 18:22, "Whoso findeth
a wife, findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favor of the Lord."
Surely God knows a few things about courtship, for it was God who established
the institution of marriage, and it was God who joined the first man and
the first woman in holy wedlock. And so we look into His Book for guidance
and instruction concerning courtship practices.
2. THE COMMENCEMENT OF COURTSHIP
When we speak of "commencement," we speak of a beginning. The high school
commencement at the end of the school year is not called "commencement"
because it marks the end of a grammar school training, but because it marks
the beginning of new responsibilities in life. And so when we speak of
the commencement of courtship, we want to speak of a few matters that need
to be considered at the beginning of courtship.
First, be a consecrated child of God -- not just a church member, but
a consecrated Christian. And by "Christian" we mean not merely one who
attends church services, or one who treats his neighbors right, but one
who has opened the door of his heart to the crucified Christ. A Christian
is one who has come to know the miracle of regeneration and has become
a new creation in Jesus Christ. Such a person has new aims and new ambitions
in life. He knows that his body belongs to Jesus Christ.
Second, pray that God will lead you to the right person for your companion
through life. The Bible teaches God's people to pray about life's affairs.
We are commanded to pray for our daily bread and for our physical needs.
Surely this second greatest step in life (selecting a life companion) should
always be accompanied by much praying and waiting before God. Amazing as
it may seem God is not so busy managing the affairs of this vast universe
that He has no time to be concerned about whom you shall marry; He wants
for you the very best in life; He will guide your choice and insure your
happiness if you will only ask Him.
3. THE CHOICE OF COURTSHIP
The Bible is crystal clear in teaching that believers are never to even
consider marriage with unbelievers under any circumstances whatever. From
the very beginning, the Godfearing family of Seth was forbidden to intermix
by marriage with the irreligious family of Cain. When God established the
law in Israel, care was taken to forbid intermarriage with the heathen
nations about them (Deuteronomy 7:5). The New Testament very clearly commands
the same thing (2 Corinthians 6:14). Those who seek your hand in marriage
may be generous, rich, well-trained, handsome, and industrious - but unless
they are children of God by faith in Jesus Christ, you must not make them
husbands and wives. Failure to observe this basic law of the Scriptures
has caused shipwreck in thousands upon thousands of homes.
When a Christian marries a non-Christian, he transgresses the law of
God, and remember that "the way of the transgressor is hard." How will
you be able to raise an altar to God in your house if you marry an unbeliever?
Will your unbelieving partner urge you to do it? How will your children
be brought up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord? You'll teach them
one thing, and their daddy will teach them the opposite. What are you going
to do when you feel this opposition day after day? When you go to church
services, he'll go to a bail-game. When you read the Bible and engage in
prayer, he reads the latest novel and turns on the TV. When you praise
the Lord, he indulges in blasphemy. You tell your children one thing; he
encourages them to do the opposite. The Bible says, "How can two walk together
except they be agreed?"
And then too, it is never sound judgment to choose a mate merely because
of a pretty face, or because of curly hair, or because of captivating brown
eyes. The facial features of some girls might contradict all the laws of
a beauty contest, and yet many of those same girls have the graces of soul
and spirit that will keep them attractive throughout their entire span
of life. When a man's love for his wife is based merely on her youth and
charm and beauty, that love doesn't last long because those qualities often
soon fade away.
There are a lot of things in life far worse than being an old maid (or
a bachelor), and one of the things which is worse than being an old maid,
is to marry the wrong man. Never enter into the marriage relationship lightly.
Always look for characteristics such as cheerfulness, patience, industry,
and kindness - qualities that abide the test of time.
4. THE CONFUSIONS OF COURTSHIP
There are many dangers and pitfalls for young people during the years
of courtship. The devil stands ready to lead you into sin and to spoil
the happiness of your life. God has made the bodies of men and women so
that they attract each other. Woven into the physical bodies of both boys
and girls are certain natural sex functions. These are necessary for the
reproduction of the human race, but sex experience is right only within
the bounds of true and honorable marriage. The Bible says, "Marriage is
honorable in all, and the bed undefiled; but whoremongers and adulterers
God will judge" (Hebrews 13:4). Sex indulgence outside the bounds of honorable
and true marriage is naked, shameful, wicked sin.
The sin of fornication (illicit sex relations among the unmarried) never
occurs between two ordinary decent young people who want to do right, except
through the stages of kissing, necking, and petting. Kissing is the first
act that paves the way and excites the passions to encourage the next step
in the downward plunge that leads eventually to the sin of fornication.
Necking (the act of embracing and caressing) is the second step in the
path that leads to sex relationships. Petting (handling parts of the body)
is the final step that leads to the shameful sin of fornication.
Step by step (if you start) you will push back the barriers of what
you permit, until it is almost impossible to avoid the final step of fornication.
When people trifle with the human body, aroused passions become stronger
than the will, and the bodily passions often take control. Remember that
this is as true about girls as it is about boys. It is just as true about
good boys as it is about bad boys. The best Christian in all the world
(if he is not good enough to keep from necking and petting), may not be
good enough to keep from fornication and adultery. And so for the sake
of your Creator, for the sake of your health, for the sake of your future,
and for the sake of your soul - make a pledge early in life never to practice
habits that will lead to illicit sex relations.
5. THE COMRADESHIP OF COURTSHIP
There are wholesome things to do and worthwhile places to go during
your courtship days. It is important to always have something definitely
planned for each date. It is when young people have nothing to do that
they begin habits that arouse evil desires. It is at such times when they
begin kissing and necking and cuddling around in dark rooms and squirming
in parked cars, and go far beyond their first intentions and plans. One
of the best safeguards to pure noble courtship is a well-planned date.
a) Attend the services of the church together. There are the Sunday
services, Bible studies, hymnsings, the prayer meeting, and other special
services of the church.
b) Read and pray together. Why not agree to read a certain portion of
the Bible at the same time each evening during the week? There's a special
thrill that goes along with knowing that your Prince Charming is doing
exactly the same thing you are doing at exactly the same time, even though
you may be separated by many miles of space.
c) Visit old folks and homes for the aging. It is really encouraging
for older people to hear younger persons sing hymns and visit them. The
time passes more quickly for the older person and the experience will be
a real blessing for both of you also.
d) Maintain hobbies together. Every young person ought to have a hobby.
For girls, there is sewing, textile painting, and gathering collections
of various kinds. For boys, there is photography, woodworking, coin collecting,
etc. Share each other's interests in these respective hobbies.
e) Enjoy good music together. Not jazz and rock n' roll and popular
music, but everybody likes to sing hymns around a piano. Perhaps it is
old-fashioned, but there is something especially wholesome about singing
hymns together.
These have been a few things you can do to make your courtship purposeful
and constructive. Note that we did not include activities such as dancing,
attending the commercial movies, and frequenting the public bathing beaches.
These enterprises are geared to appeal to those who walk after the flesh
and not after the Spirit of God.
When two people stand before God and promise to cherish each other until
death separates them, it is not hard to believe that the angels in heaven
hush their songs and grow silent in wonder as they listen to the holy vows,
when two hearts and lives are joined in wedlock. Whatever your situation
in life, if you have never done it, we urge you to open the door of your
heart and let Jesus come in. Surrender completely to His will for your
life.
SEVEN CHARACTER QUALITIES THAT
SHOULD SURFACE DURING DATING
1) Your marriage partner should have a strong faith in God, and should
accept the teachings of the Bible as his rules for life.
2) Your partner should possess self-confidence - not an air of superiority
(thinking he knows it all - but a positive feeling that he is going to
meet and work through life's problems.
3) He should manifest self-discipline, exercising reasonable control
over his words, his temper, and his bodily appetites.
4) He should be willing to admit his own mistakes and take responsibility
for them - and vow to profit from them.
5) He should have mature ideas about how to handle money. He should
not be a miser and worship his possessions, neither should he be a prodigal
spender. He should have ambition and purpose, showing a sense of responsibility
toward work and toward getting things done on time.
7) He should reflect a sense of respect for his home and parents and
brothers and sisters.
The young person who looks for these qualities in a marriage companion,
should work diligently to develop these qualities in his or her own life.
It there are areas of great weakness, seek to strengthen them by helping
and encouraging each other. Remember that marriage will not solve your
courtship problems; it will only magnify them.
TEN BIBLE FACTS
ABOUT MARRIAGE
1) Marriage was instituted by God (Genesis 2:18).
2) Marriage is an honorable institution (Hebrews 13:4).
3) Marriage is a permanent relationship (Mark 10:9; Romans 7:2).
4) A good wife is a prize treasure (Proverbs 31: 10-31).
5) A bill of divorcement was written for convenience (Mark 10:4-6).
6) Separated married partners are not free to remarry (I Corinthians
7:11).
7) A successful marriage requires agape love (Ephesians 5:25).
8) Marriage is confined to this life (Matthew 22:30).
9) Marriage is not for everyone (1 Corinthians 7:8).
10) Marriage is a foretaste of our eternal relationship with God (Revelation
19:9).