THE RESPONSIBILITIES OF A FATHER
Editorial
May/June, 1990
Volume 25, Number 3
Most readers will receive this copy of the WITNESS
about a month before Father's Day, which in 1990 falls on Sunday, June
17. Honoring one's father means more than buying dad a new shirt on Father's
Day. Honoring parents includes the concepts of showing gratitude and practicing
obedience. However, it is not only the duty of the child to honor father
and mother (Ephesians 6:2), but it is also the duty of the parent to deserve
that respect by bringing children up in the nurture and admonition of the
Lord (Ephesians 6:4). The ethics of the New Testament are well balanced.
If God lays a duty on one side (to the children), He also commands an equal
duty on the other side (to the parents).
John Dresher, in his book, If I Were Starting My
Family Again, Abingdon (1979), lists a number of things he would
do differently if he had a chance to perform the duties of fatherhood all
over again:
1) I would love the mother of my children more.
2) I would listen more.
3) I would seek more opportunities to give my child a
sense of belonging.
4) I would express words of appreciation and praise more
often.
5) I would spend more time together with the family.
6) I would laugh more.
Dresher amplifies the first point (above) by saying that
he would seek to do more little things for his wife--like opening the car
door, placing her chair at the table, giving her little gifts on special
occasions, and writing her love letters when he's away from home--because
this would help build security and stability in the lives of the children.
He also expands the second point (above) by indicating that he would pay
more attention when his child shares little hurts and complaints and matters
about which he is excited-because the father who listens to his child when
the child is small--will more likely have a child who cares what his father
says later in life.
The best father is the one who knows God as his Heavenly
Father, and only Jesus Christ can provide that relationship (John 14:6).
When we place our trust in Christ, and pledge our loyalty to Him, believing
the message that Christ died for our sins, we find forgiveness, and we
become part of God's family. At that time we receive new resources for
fathering because God the Holy Spirit comes to dwell within us (1 Corinthians
6:19). Those who read the essay which follows will find exhortations which
can help strengthen homes.
--H.S.M.
The Responsibilities of a Father
By Allen L. Nell
Brooks Adams kept a diary from his boyhood days and on through the years.
One day when he was eight years old he wrote in his diary, "Went fishing
with my father; the most glorious day of my life." Throughout the next
forty years of his life, he never forgot that special day when he had gone
fishing with his daddy. Repeated references were made in his diary, commenting
about the influence that day had on his life.
Brooks' father was an important man--Charles Francis Adams--the United
States Ambassador to Great Britain under the Lincoln administration. Interestingly,
he too had made a note in his diary about the fishing trip. He wrote simply,
"Went fishing with my son; a day wasted."
It is obvious that he did not regard his responsibilities as a father
to be very important. However, the Bible makes it clear that every home
should have a godly father who takes seriously his responsibility. In addition,
the spiritual fervency of our churches is dependent to a large degree on
how fathers fulfill their God-appointed responsibilities. Looking at God's
Word, we find at least three vital needs in a family that the father has
the responsibility to supply. They are -- provision, protection, and prayer.
1. PROVISION
From the beginning, man was given the responsibility of being the family
bread-winner. God said to Adam, "in the sweat of your face you shall eat
bread" (Genesis 3:19). From that day on, the male of the human family has
been primarily responsible for providing the material needs of his family.
1 Timothy 5:8 says, "But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially
for those of his household, he had denied the faith, and is worse than
an unbeliever." A man who is able, and does not do his best to provide
the material needs of his family, commits a great sin. In the words of
the Scripture, he is worse than an infidel.
Most Christian fathers do not fail in the area of material provision.
For many today, a greater danger is that we often tend to provide beyond
the real needs of the family, placing greater emphasis on the material
welfare of our families than on their spiritual nurture. It is dangerous
for fathers to put their emphasis on the material needs of the children
and neglect their spiritual needs. Mark 8:36 asks the question, "What shall
it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?"
Applying this truth to the subject at hand, we might ask the question,
"What shall it profit a man if he gains the whole world and loses the souls
of his children?" How disastrous for fathers to forget that their children
are heirs of immortality, that they must some day render an account to
God, and must live somewhere forever in the world to come. How tragic for
fathers to fail in their duty to promote the highest welfare of their children.
One of the greatest responsibilities of a father is to provide spiritual
leadership for his family. We are called to reflect divine values to our
children. We are the symbol and representative of God's authority to our
children. Because we speak of God as our Father, our children (especially
in their formative years) may well develop their ideas about the Father
in Heaven on the basis of the example left by their fathers on earth. Studies
show that those who have had fathers who were irresponsible or unfaithful
to their duties in the family, often have a great deal of difficulty trusting
God. They tend to think of God in light of their father's example. On the
other hand, those who have had fathers who were loving and faithful, tend
to find it easier to develop and maintain a close relationship with the
Heavenly Father.
Let us consider how a child thinks. If my father is fair, then God must
be fair. If my father punishes for wrongdoing, then God must punish for
wrongdoing. If my father loves and cares for me, then God must love and
care for me. If my father respects and obeys God's Word, then God must
be respected and obeyed by me. If my father means what he says, then God
must mean what He says. It is apparent that fathers should diligently seek
to provide their children with the right concept of the Heavenly Father
by being God-like in their own behavior. This requires living under the
Holy Spirit's control.
It is important that fathers spend time with their children, for in
doing so, we are demonstrating our love for them and showing them that
they are important to us. If a father neglects his child, spending little
or no time with him, think how that affects the child's concept of the
Father above. Let us not be like the father who was a pastor so busily
involved in his work that his small daughter checked the box on the church
visitor's card requesting a pastoral call.
As spiritual leaders in the home, it is the responsibility of the father
to provide discipline for the children. We need to recognize that our children
are born with a sinful human nature. David confessed, "Behold, I was brought
forth in iniquity, and in sin my mother conceived me" (Psalm 51:5). The
act of conception is not sin, but the bias toward evil is transmitted at
conception, and thus the normal tendency of the child is to satisfy his
own sinful nature. The Word of God makes it clear that it is the great
responsibility of the parent, especially the father, to restrain the child
from growing up in conformity with his sinful nature. "Foolishness is bound
up in the heart of a child, but the rod of correction shall drive it far
from him" (Proverbs 22:15). And in Proverbs 29:15, we read that the "rod
and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his
mother." The word from the Hebrew (translated "left to himself") is sometimes
used of animals pasturing without fences or restraints. The picture is
that of a child who is sent off into adulthood without being restrained.
The Old Testament gives us an example of this in 1 Samuel 3:13. About Eli,
God says, "For I have told him that I will judge his house forever for
the iniquity which he knows, because his sons made themselves vile, and
he did not restrain them." This verse implies that the father is responsible
to control his child's evil tendencies through discipline.
It is important that fathers set boundaries or guidelines for their
children, based on the principles of the Bible. It is not fair to hold
our children accountable if we have never taken the time to make clear
what we expect from them. When children are disobedient to known standards
which have been established, it is important that we are consistent in
administering punishment. The benefit of punishment is the establishment
of a proper fear of justice, and respect for those in authority. It helps
a child understand and believe the reality of God's judgment. For example,
when a well-disciplined child hears the Word of God say, "He who believes
in the Son has eternal life; but he who does not obey the Son shall not
see life, but the wrath of God rests on him" (John 3:36/RSV)--he is much
more likely to take it seriously than the child who has not received consistent
discipline. Richard Fugate, in the book, What the Bible Says About
Child Training, claims that "many people have been raised in the
last few generations who doubt the reality of God's eternal punishment.
They have been raised by parents who threatened, but did not consistently
carry through." It is easy to be a permissive father. It is the oath of
least resistance, but it is costly beyond words. Proverbs 13:24 reminds
us, "He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines
him promptly."
In addition, fathers are charged with the tremendous responsibility
of providing their children with the teaching of God's Word. God emphasizes
the importance of parental instruction in spiritual things when He says,
"And these words, which I command you today shall be in your heart; you
shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when
you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and
when you rise up" (Deuteronomy 6:6-7). The Apostle Paul affirmed those
instructions when he said, "And you, fathers...bring (your children) up
in the training and admonition of the Lord" (Ephesians 6:4). God commands
fathers to diligently teach His Word to their children. And yet in many
Christian families, the spiritual instructions of children is limited to
one or two hours of a Sunday morning, and if there is spiritual instruction
in the home, it is often the mother who assumes the responsibility. But
according to God's Word, the father is to assume the primary responsibility
of instructing children in the truths of the Bible. That does not mean
that the father will do all the teaching, but the father is to be the child's
primary instructor. Judges 2 tells the sad account of a generation of fathers
who knew God, but they failed to take time to bring up their children in
the admonition of the Lord, with the result that those children served
Baal rather than the Lord.
I cannot think of a more effective method of spiritual instruction in
the home than a daily family devotional time, when the entire family gathers
to be instructed from God's Word and to pray. The father, if possible,
should be the leader, and the format of instruction should be suited to
the child's age. Younger children like to hear parents read Bible stories,
and from those stories practical applications can be made for daily living.
For example, when reading the story of Ahab and Naboth's vineyard, children
can be warned of the sin of greed. If other children are playing with a
toy that your child wants, and he snatches it away from them, then he is
like Ahab. There is no better place for a child to be taught from the Scriptures,
than in his own home and from his own father.
2. PROTECTION
The father is not only to provide, but also to protect.
Most fathers are quick to provide physical protection for their children.
Dr. George Truett told about a man who many years ago was driving his wagon
with a team of horses on a country road. Somehow, the horses became frightened,
and they rushed on despite all his efforts to restrain them. Eventually,
he was thrown from the wagon, but he held on to the lines, as on and on
the frightened horses ran. He was dragged over fields and rocks and stones
and bushes. His neighbors saw him and called to him to let go (to release
the reins), and yet he held on until at last his weight brought the horses
to a standstill. When the neighbors came up and found him bleeding and
bruised so that in a little while he died, they could not restrain their
protest. "Why didn't you let the horses go; why didn't you turn them loose?"
He whispered in reply, "Look in the wagon." They looked in the wagon, and
there was his two-year-old boy. The father had given his life to save his
little boy from tragic death. Such behavior is commendable and is worthy
of our applause, and am sure there are many fathers today who would have
shown the same commitment, and would have done the same thing.
But are we just as diligent to protect our children from spiritual danger?
We want to consider two areas of spiritual danger which are the great responsibility
of the father.
First of all, we must set an example of spiritual strength
and stability, not allowing Satan to gain a foothold in our lives, nor
allowing any evil practice or habit in our own lives, which may influence
our children in the wrong way. There is a recurring statement in the Old
Testament which emphasizes this principle: "He walked in the ways of his
father." Only on a few occasions do we find where a king reversed the evil
practices of his father, and walked in righteousness. In the majority of
cases, if a king was evil, then his son who ascended the throne, walked
in the same evil way--and often to an even greater extent. Fathers need
to realize the power of influence which they have on their children. This
truth was very vividly pointed out to me a number of years ago when I used
an unkind word about someone with whom I had just completed a business
phone call. A few days later my wife informed me that our son used that
same word while playing. Any failure on the part of the father leads to
Satan's bringing destructive temptations to those under his authority.
The little poem says,
"His little arms crept 'round my neck,
and then I heard him say,
Four simple words I can't forget,
four words that made me pray.
They turned a mirror on my soul,
on secrets no one knew;
they startled me; I hear them yet.
He said, I'll be like you!"
Secondly, we can protect our children spiritually by not allowing
them to be unnecessarily exposed to evil teaching and influence.
Some may argue that this is sheltering the child, but no where in Scripture
is there even a hint that children are to be exposed to evil. To the contrary,
Romans 16:19/NIV reminds us to be "innocentabout what is evil." Jeremiah
10:2 warns us that we should "learn not the way of the heathen." What children
are taught is of supreme importance, but what they are not taught is just
as serious a matter. For example, consider the effect which television
has on a child. Many of the values portrayed on television are opposed
to biblical virtues. Fathers need to realize that their children are invested
with a soul which shall never die, and that they will live somewhere forever
in the world to come, either in Heaven or in Hell.
Fathers are very much responsible for bringing their children to a saving
knowledge of Jesus Christ, and thus it behooves us to deliberately refuse
to throw dangers in their pathway. Jesus said that it "would be better
for him if a millstone were hung around his neck, and he were drowned in
the depth of the sea"-than that he should cause some little one to stumble
(Matthew 18:6). Jeroboam was the first king of the northern kingdom of
Israel. In such a position of authority, he had much influence over the
people in his kingdom, either for good or for evil. Because Jeroboam was
a wicked king and condoned idolatry, we find this arresting statement in
1 Kings 22:52: "Jeroboam the son of Nebat, who made Israel to sin." Fathers
likewise are invested with authority in the family, and thus have much
influence on their children, either for good or for evil. May it never
be said of us that we made our children to sin.
3. PRAYER
It is important that fathers pray for the family. Job was one who recognized
the importance of prayer, for in Job 1:5 we read that he made it a habit
to pray for his children. Fathers commit a great sin when they fail to
pray for their family. One father who lived near the Mississippi River
was a man of great wealth. One day his oldest boy met with an accident
and was brought home unconscious. Everything the man could humanly do to
restore the injured son--was done-- but it was all in vain. Time passed,
and after a terrible suspense, the son recovered consciousness. "My son,"
the father whispered, "the doctor tells me you are dying." "Oh!" said the
boy, "you never prayed for me, father; won't you pray for my soul now?"
The father wept. He had never prayed. He was a stranger to God. He didn't
know how to face a crisis. And in a little while, that soul, unprayed for,
passed into eternity. What a tragedy!
God has committed our children to us, and part of our responsibility
is to prey for them. The Apostle Paul was a father, perhaps not a physical
father, but a spiritual one. Those who were converted to Christ under his
preaching were his special children. In his letters to the churches which
he had started, it is instructive to see how many times he assures his
spiritual children that he does not cease to pray for them. He realized
that one of the duties of those in spiritual leadership is to pray for
those under that leadership. And he set a good example for all physical
fathers to follow.
Perhaps there are fathers who are grieving over children that are walking
on the wrong path. Maybe you have done all you could to raise the child
in the right way, and have lived a godly life before him. I encourage you
to be consistent and diligent in praying for the son or daughter. We are
given the biblical promise that the "prayer of a righteous man avails much"
(James 5:16). 1 can testify to the power of prayer in my own life, for
if it had not been for the prayers of a father who was concerned about
my spiritual well-being, I hesitate even to think of the path which I would
have taken.
Fathers--are you providing for your children, not only materially, but
more importantly, spiritually? Are you protecting them by not allowing
evil practices in your own life, and by not exposing them to evil influences?
Are you diligent and consistent in praying for your children? May God help
each of us to realize anew the importance of taking the responsibility
of a father seriously. It costs much to be a real father.
A mechanic had worked hard all day at the shop. Later in the evening,
at his home, a friend saw him catching baseball with his son. Surprised,
he called out, "Bill, aren't you tired after a day's work?" "Yes," came
the answer, "Of course, I'm tired." "Why then are you out there catching
a ball?" questioned the friend. The wise father answered immediately, "I'd
rather have a backache tonight than a heartache later on."
Allen Nell is an ordained minister serving
in the Upper Conewago Church of the Brethren, S. PA District. He is the
son of BRF treasurer, Harry B. Nell, and is the father of five children.